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Pravi Hrvat! PDF Ispis

Ne voliš baš nikoga? E, onda si pravi Hrvat!

Pitao me jednom prilikom prijatelj u jednoj beogradskoj kafani zato
su Hrvati takvi. Kakvi?, pitao sam se ne znaju?i na kakvu takvost
Hrvata to?no misli.

Imaju li Hrvati najlepe i najmodernije autoputeve?, odgovorio je
protupitanjem. Imaju. Imaju li unutranji avionski saobra?aj? Nisam,
eto, nikad razmiljao o tome da u Srbiji nema doma?ih letova. Da li su
im plate dva do ?etiri puta ve?e od svih ostalih u regionu? Jesu. Jesu
li jedini na belom engenskom reimu i e?u po Evropi bez viza? Jesu.
Da li su prakti?ki na pragu Evropske Unije? Jesu. Da li im je dravna
televizija u odnosu na ostale u regionu, hm, televizija u boji? Jest.

Da li su bili tre?i na svetu u fudbalu?, nastavlja prijatelj. Jesu. Da
li su svetski prvaci u rukometu, vaterpolu i tenisu? Jesu. Imaju li
Blanku, Janicu i Gorana Ivanievi?a? Imaju. Imaju li najlepe more i
najlepa ostrva u Evropi? Jebiga, imaju. Da li su pobedili u ratu?
Jesu, rekoh, ubedljivo. Da li su nakon hiljadu godina dobili dravu?
Jesu. Da li su se jednom zauvek reili Srba i Jugoslavije? Jesu.

Pa to su onda tako nadrkani? - poentira na kraju prijatelj iskreno
nemo?an pred vlastitom spoznajom. to su takvi nam?ori?

Moj beogradski prijatelj nije usamljen u takvoj percepciji Hrvata.
Tezu o nadrkanim Hrvatima ?uo sam u skitanjima Balkanom vie puta,
svaki put bez primisli, s iskrenom i dobrohotnom zavi?u, i jednako
iskrenim i dobrohotnim ?u?enjem. Da smo mi pobijedili u ratu,
objanjavaju mi Srbi, da imamo bilo kakvo more, a kamoli najljepe, da
imamo takvu dravu, klimu, ceste, aerodrome, pla?e, standard,
televiziju, bijeli Schengen, Davis cup i broncu s Mundijala, bili
bismo glavne lole u regiji. Lebdjeli bismo pola metra iznad zemlje,
pla?ali ture Hrvatima, naru?ivali im pjesme i tjeili ih kako, eto,
nije ni njima sve crno. Imaju, na primjer, Severinu i Olivera
Dragojevi?a.

Hrvatima, me?utim, nita od toga ne moe popraviti historijsko loe
raspoloenje. Potvrdilo je to ovih dana i Gallupovo istraivanje, po
kojemu su Hrvati uvjerljivo najnezadovoljniji narod u regiji.

Nita njima, ?ini mi se, nije po volji: iako imaju uvjerljivo najvie
pla?e, standard i BDP, gotovo ezdeset posto Hrvata - podjednako
uvjerljivo najvie - nije zadovoljno svojim ivotnim standardom. I
Albanci, o ?ijem standardu Hrvati dan-danas pri?aju viceve, i
Bonjaci, kozmi?ki najebao narod, zadovoljniji su od Hrvata. Imamo
najmanje povjerenja u Vladu, najmanje nas vjeruje da drava ide u
dobrom pravcu, i najvie nas misli da bismo u inozemstvu ivjeli
bolje.

Hrvati tako otprilike to?no odgovaraju znanstvenoj definiciji nam?ora,
vje?no mrzovoljne osobe koja do podne ne voli sebe, a od podne cijeli
svijet. Do podne, eto, turobni i bezvoljni Hrvati rogobore?i
odgovaraju na pitanja Gallupovih istraiva?a o vlastitom ivotu, a od
podne, na pitanja od drugima, kolutaju o?ima, prave prezirne grimase i
zaokruuju "ne": Hrvati ne vole Slovence; ?etvrtina Hrvata ne bi u
obitelj primila osobu druge rase ili vjere; ezdeset posto Hrvata ne
bi kupilo srpski proizvod; gotovo polovica Dalmatinaca ne voli
strance; Hrvatima su jedan put najneomiljeniji susjedi Srbi, pa
Slovenci, drugi put Slovenci, pa Srbi; ezdeset posto Hrvata ne bi u
Europsku Uniju; dvije tre?ine Hrvata ne bi na Balkan.

Ono to ne pokazuju ankete vidi se od prilike do prilike u
svakodnevnom ivotu, u gostionicama, na forumima i nogometnim
stadionima. Dok su nas mediji, recimo, uvjeravali da su Hrvati u
kvalifikacijama za odlazak na Svjetsko prvenstvo navijali za Bosnu i
Hercegovinu, u Vinkovcima su navija?i izvjesili golemi transparent
"Obrigado Portugal!" - Hvala, Portugal! - nasla?uju?i se zadahu
crknute krave s druge obale Save.

Od podne Hrvati ne vole Bosance, jer su im se popeli na vrh glave
svojom alibi pozom ratne rtve koju nitko ne voli, i koji su sami
krivi za sve to im se dogodilo, ne vole Engleze jer su nas izdali na
Bleiburgu i gurnuli u Jugoslaviju, ne vole Albance jer su primitivni
plemenski mafijai, ne vole Srbe jer su antieuropski samozadovoljni
Balkanci, ne vole Slovence jer su bijedni austrijski prirepci koji ne
ele Hrvate u Europskoj Uniji, ne vole Rome jer su lijeni lopovi koji
nita ne rade i sviraju kurcu, ne vole ?ehe jer u nae jeftine
zimmer-frei bunkere dolaze sa svojim wc-papirom i mineralnom vodom.


Svi u regiji nekoga nekako vole, makar i kriomice, Albanci vole
Hrvate, Srbi i Crnogorci vole Dalmatince, Makedonci i Slovenci vole
Srbe, svi oni vole blesave Bosance, blesavi Bosanci vole sve, samo
Hrvati ne vole nikoga, ni druge ni sebe. Nisu pritom imali ba
najtegobniju povijest, Bosanci su ipak najebali malo vie, Srbi su u
prolom vijeku najprije izgubili pola mukog stanovnitva, a onda
?etiri rata zaredom. Makedoncima se drava klima i trese kao
Indonezija, Albanija ima ?etiri puta manji bruto-drutveni proizvod,
pa ipak se od svih jedino Hrvati ne znaju opustiti i nasmijati.

Hrvati ne vole nikoga jer ih nitko ne voli, ne vole sami sebe jer
nikoga ne vole, ne vole nikoga i nita, oni jednostavno ne vole.
Napravite mali, neznanstveni ali pou?ni eksperiment: ukucajte u Google
fraze "Hrvati vole" i "Hrvati ne vole". Za sintagmu "Hrvati vole"
pretraiva? ?e vam na internetu prona?i 5800 primjera, dok ?e vam za
"Hrvati ne vole" izbaciti ?ak 24500 stranica: Hrvati tako ne vole
prati zube, ?itati novine, raditi od ku?e, putovati na kredit i saditi
kupus, ne vole volontirati, pla?ati zdravstvo, javno prosvjedovati,
podmirivati obaveze i koristiti kondome, ne vole web-standarde,
peticije, inovacije, rizik, kolu, ribu, buku, e?er, promjene i
avanture, ne vole ateiste, motoriste, efove, homoseksualce i
Hercegovce, ne vole zakon i red, autokampove, doma?i film,
ekstravagantna odijela, polovne automobile, sado-mazo seks, odmor na
svjetionicima, maslinovo ulje, talijansko pjevanje i Nikolu
Karabati?a, ne vole uspjene, ali ni siromane, a iz nekog razloga,
ubijte me ako sad znam zato, ne vole ni grad Birmingham.

Ima li, do?avola, ita to Hrvati vole? Ima. Vole biti nezadovoljni i
grintavi: iako po Gallupovu istraivanju gotovo sedamdeset posto
Hrvata misli da bi bolje ivjeli negdje drugdje, po istoj anketi samo
desetina bi zaista emigrirala kad bi imala priliku.

Zato su, dakle, Hrvati takvi nam?ori? - pitaju moji beogradski
prijatelji. Nije to istina, odgovaram ja. To samo tako izgleda.
Hrvati, naime, ne vole novinske ankete i internetske upitnike. I
istraivanja javnog mnijenja. Ne vole kad ih se ita pita. I ne vole
Gallupov institut. Ni grad Birmingham.

 

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